Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
