I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
