When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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