I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
