I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
