So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
