please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
