Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I wear drunk well.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
