i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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