Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
