Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
