I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
