Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
