I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
