She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
