He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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