i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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