sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Randomize
