i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
