Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
