omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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