I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize