I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
