Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
