remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
