why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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