so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
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