help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
