I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
