I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I need a beard to bite.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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