I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
