And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
