My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
