He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize