Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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