Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
