i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize