dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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