he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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