I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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