i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
