Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize