i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
