Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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