My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
