i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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