I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
