the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
