She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
