ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
