so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
