yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
