Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
