My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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